Just got off the phone to my friend Jess (avifors-avis.tumblr.com) and we got talking about the Ireland trip I want to do.

And basically, she's coming with me now.

We're gonna spend a year saving up and planning, then we're gonna get a, well a what I call a 'hippie van' - I'm not what they're actually called a Volkswagen something.. And put a mattress in the back, and do it up and stuff, and go for a year, and stop off in different towns, stay for a few weeks, get a short term job, then move on when we're ready.

To some people, it might be the very idea of hell, but to me it sounds so perfect.

I passed my driving test last Thursday.
It was my ninth test. I'm very happy I didn't give up like I had wanted to.
My nerves always got the better of me and so I did something stupid, that's why I kept failing.
But I've passed now :) And with only 2 minors! That's 3 less than my little brother.. :)

So now, things will change.
First thing I want to do is to get some work experience with a portrait photographer.
And also, because I've passed, and I have a car, I can definitely do my road trip around Ireland.
As soon as I have the money I'll go.
I'm hoping it will be late August/early September -ish.

Just as I was beginning to doubt myself,

This pops up on my dashboard on tumblr;

I was beginning to think that maybe I won't do the Ireland trip.
I suppose more than anything, I'm scared and nervous about it, it's quite a daunting thing to to alone.

But the picture is right 'you only live once.'

Bought a map of Ireland, going to stick it on my wall and put pins in the places I want to go and use some string to mark my route.
I'm going to put it where I'll see it every morning when I wake up. :)

A ferry from Holyhead to Dun Laoghaire with a car is about £200-ish.

And then I'll need money for petrol and food.

I can get rooms in hostels in some places for under £20 which is okay, but I won't be able to do that every night, I'll take a sleeping bag and pillows so I can sleep in the back of my car.

But yeah, money is the biggest issue, so if you could do me a huge favor and click on some of the adverts on this page, I'd love you forever, and do it in return if you have a blogspot with adverts, let me know if you want me to.
I don't get much per click, and apparently it doesn't send me any money until I reach £60, so if you could click just once whenever you visit this page, that would be amazing. <3

Dun Laoghaire - Dublin

The long way around.

Going through Cork, Limerick & Galway.

This is basically what I want to do. With a few detours along the way.
Also, I want to avoid the motorway as much as possible.

Note to self; Buy a map of Ireland.

Oh, also booked a driving test for March 10th today. :)

I just watched Leap Year.

None of this is actually about the film, although I loved it, that's not what I want to talk about.
But, because most of it is set in Ireland, it kind of reminded me of something.
Something I started planning about 18 months ago.
Basically the plan was;

1. Pass driving test.
2. Get car.
3. Get ferry to Ireland.
4. Explore.
   

I planned to spend as long as I wanted just traveling around Ireland, writing and taking photos.
It was going to be.. Just perfect. I was so excited to go.
I originally wanted to go around Europe, but I figured it might be better to do Ireland first, as it's smaller, the majority of people speak English, and it's not too far away so that my mother would be constantly worrying.

I suppose because I didn't pass my driving test first time or even fifth time, so I gave up on the idea, then I moved onto other ideas, other things I wanted to do.

But plans have fallen through since then, things have changed. But I still want to travel.
I've been feeling so restless lately. Like I'd hit a dead end.
I'd just spent most of today in tears. I've felt frustrated, confused and lost, because I'm turning 21 in under 6 months I feel like I should have a plan, I should know what I'm doing with my life by then. The people I went to school with are finishing university this summer, and have everything ahead of them, whereas I've spent the last few years just floating around with no real plan - something which I'm okay with, as long as I feel like I'm doing something. But I haven't been doing anything for 8 months now, and I just feel stuck and frustrated.

So, I think I may go back to my Ireland plan.

I'll book another driving test.
I think I might not do as planned and go to all the TBO tour date from London onwards, and instead just do Manchester, Cardiff and Hit The Deck festival, (or maybe I won't do Cardiff either, I'm not sure yet..) and save up the money I would have spent on doing London, Bournemouth, Falmouth, and Plymouth and put it towards going to Ireland instead.

"Life is what you make it, no matter what you're going to mess it up sometimes - it's a universal truth.

But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up.
Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway.But just remember, some come, some go, the ones who stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends.
As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too.
And babe I hate to say it most of them - actually pretty much all of them - are going to break your heart, but you can't give up, because if you give up you'll never find your soulmate. You'll never find that half that makes you whole, and that goes for everything.
Keep trying, hold on and always believe in yourself because if you don't then who will sweetie?
So keep your head high.
Keep your chin up.

And most importantly, keep smiling because life is a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about. " - Marilyn Monroe.

I met My Chemical Romance on Monday, in Cardiff.

I thought I wouldn't ever get to see them live (After plans to see them in 2007 fell through/the friend I was going to go and see them with turned out to be a total cunt.) And never ever did I think I'd get to meet them.
They're one of those bands that I used to listen to just to get me through the day.

Friendships.

So I spent most of yesterday thinking about the difference in my friendships.

Because I've just spent a couple of days with Gemma, it's made me realize how my friendship with Kristina is so different, because we're so different, and Gemma and I are so alike.

I've only known Gemma a few months, and only really been talking to her since end of December-ish, but I feel so much closer to her than I've ever done with Kristina. It's the same with Hayley, Claire and Jess, I feel much more comfortable around them, whereas with Kristina I never feel totally relaxed.

I do love Kristina. But I'm beginning to see the cracks / huge gaping holes in our friendship.
We have nothing in common, except for drinking and partying I guess. Our friendship is better when we're both drunk.

Since 2009, after I left London, she's been the only friend I've had, and I do love her for that, for not leaving me, as so many others have done.

Up until June-ish last year I used to spend my time at home, waiting for either her to come home from uni, or for me to go and visit her at uni. But then when she was home, I'd be kind of passed up so she could hang out with her other friends, I was never invited out with them, she never invites me along, she talks about it all to me, tells me all the stories, tells me when it is, says we'll go out Saturday, because Thursday she's going out with them, she never invites me along, which I don't really mind, I can't stand most of them, but it makes me feel sad that my 'best friend' would prefer to spend time with them and almost keep our friendship a secret.

This might just be me being paranoid, but whenever we speak over facebook, we normally do speak over facebook, it's always through messages, like sometimes I'll leave a comment on her wall, but she'll reply via a message, then delete my comment, and she talks with everyone else through comments.
And we go for months without talking. Because we have nothing to say to each other, we don't share anything, and we don't have anything in common.
And because I'm an insecure mess over any relationship I have, us not speaking, and her keeping me apart from most of her other friendships makes me so paranoid.
But when we do hang out we have alot of fun, but not the same kind of fun I tend to have with Gemma or Hayley or Claire or Jess. It's different, somehow.

Talking to Kristina when we don't have a certain thing to talk about, like just chatting to her always seems like such an effort, when I don't think it should be. And part of me always wants her approval, or to impress her, like to prove I'm worthy of being her friend.
It's really hard to explain without her seeming like a complete bitch, and me some lost puppy that just follows her around.

With Gemma this weekend, it was so easy. Like we spent I don't even know how many hours in Wagamamas just talking about anything, and I don't know if it was the same for Gemma, I hope it was, but for me it was so so easy and relaxed in comparison what going for a meal with Kristina is like.
And then when we went to Southampton for the day, and just looked around shops and stalls.
Kristina wouldn't have been interested in spending so much time looking a pretty stationary, or admiring the jewelery on that stall, or the books or spending so much time in that music shop, she would've been bored by it all. And in HMV we spend ages looking at books and music and posters, Kristina wouldn't have, because we don't have those things in common, and she wouldn't have spend ages playing on fifa either, she would've thought it was dumb.
And Gemma and I spent ages geeking out over Kurt Cobains Journal that Gemma has, finding him so fascinating, looking at his doodles and ramblings and lyrics. Kristina and I would never spend that long pouring over a book, Kristina would probably think the doodles were weird and the rambles that of a mad man, or a drug addict. She wouldn't get it.

I feel like the more friendships I have that aren't with Kristina, the more awkward and strained our friendship becomes. And I just don't know if I should/if I want to do anything about my friendship with her, as it seems to be crumbling a bit now that I have other friends, friends that do mean more to me, and I'm closer to, and have more in common with.

January 2011

New Years Eve. Was very drunken. I lost my camera, not my DSLR my little shitty camera, haven't had the guts to tell my parents about it yet. I remember playing (and winning) taptap. And I remember drunk tweeting, texting Gemma and being on the phone to Hayley, Jess and Claire.

New Years Day I spent with family, eating and pretending not to be as hungover as I was.

11th January.

I went to Cardiff with Hayley

to go to one of The Blackouts rehearsals.

Had to get up at a stupid time in the morning, sprint across Manchester Piccadilly station to catch out train to Cardiff, never ran so fast in my life, I was so scared I was going to miss it.

The rehearsal was fun, quite awkward because we weren't sure what to do while they were playing, though it was probably more awkward for them.

They played Murder In The Make Believe Ballroom :) It's probably my favorite song by them, but I don't think I've h

eard them play it

live since 2006. It made my day :)

I decided to make more of an effort with my photography, I think it is what I want to do, but because I've been feeling stuck for so long I'd kind of got bored, and it kind of came to a stand still.
I wish I'd taken some pictures at the rehearsal, I had my camera with me, but I didn't use it.
I should've done.

January 28th

I went to Claires, for our Skanky Hoe sleepover. And to be there for a few day

s before The Blackouts acoustic.
I baked Paige a birthday cake, it was her 2nd birthday two days before. I think she liked it, she definatley seemed to enjoy blowing out the candles and taking handfuls of the icing to eat.

Jess met me at the station, we went for a wander around St Annes, and got hot chocolate in Costa.
Went back to Claires and Hayley and Paige arrived.
Then we went and met Claire when she got back from her collage trip to Bradford.
We painted clouds on the c

eiling of her basement, in preparation for the acoustic on Sunday.
We went for dinner at Weatherspoons, watched Breakfast At Tiffanys and dyed Hayleys hair purple, dyeing Claires bath in the process.

January 29th.

Painted big pink spots on the floor of the basement, in preparation for Sunday.
Some more people arrived. Including Gemma, it was my first time seeing her since we began talking and became close. It was nice to finally get to hug her. :)
We had pizza and watched Moulin Rouge then slept in Claires basement.

January 30th.
The Blackout acoustic.

This day was good.

The whole weekend was good, minus some of the drama that went on.

I could go into loads of detail and write every little thing that happened, but it would take me forever, and to be honest I'd rather keep most of it to myself.