My 2010.

January.

Granddad died. Spent NYE in tears. Granddads funeral. First driving test got cancelled. Went to Kerrang! tour in Leeds with Aimee. My first gig since 2006.

February

Made my tumblr, and my internet addiction began. Went to see Lostprophets & Kids in Glass Houses in Manchester, with Andrea. Found out later after I met her that Hayley was there too, can't help but wonder if we were destined to meet. Failed driving test. Went to Lancaster met up with Ola.

March

Failed second driving test. Drank myself into oblivion with Kristina.

April

Drank more. Didn't do much. Slept until 5pm every day. Third driving test got cancelled. Met a boy.

May.

Started seeing the boy. Kept it a secret. Got a waitressing job. Failed another driving test.

June.

Kept seeing the boy. Kept it a secret. Found out why. He had a girlfriend. Kept seeing him. Went out with Kristina alot. Drank myself into oblivion. Got fired from job. Drank some more. Went to my little brothers speech day, mainly just to piss off my old teachers that hated me. Got alot of glares. Kinda enjoyed it. Got tipsy on free wine. Ended it with the boy. Failed another driving test. Drank some more with Kristina. Met Declan. Went to see The Blackout in Carlisle. Met Hayley for the first time. Met her at hotel. Convinced myself on the way she was at 40 year old rapist. Armed myself with a umbrella. Turns out she was who she said she was. Got drunk. Saw TBO, first time meeting them. Went to Lancaster to see TBO the next day. Had horrible hangover. Met Theo & Gareth & some other people. (Found out months later Claire was there too, wondered if we were meant to meet too.) Boy called me. I ignored him. Wandered off. Cried. Went back. Pretended I was ok. Saw TBO. Slept in the reception of a travel lodge. Got train home at 6am. Wanted to do it all again, minus the crying bit.

July

Spent alot of time on tumblr. Drank alot, with Kristina. Went to Spain. My 20th. Went to Cardiff Big Weekend. First time in Cardiff. Drank whiskey & coke. Met Claire & Jess & Megan & some other people. Saw TBO. Got drunk with Hayley in Cardiff barfly.

August.

Spent two weeks in Buckie. Took alot of photographs. More night outs with Kristina. Went to Glasgow with Hayley for two days, saw Lostprophets, Young Guns & Attack! Attack! Met V & Coist & some other people I can't remember the names of. Got drunk. Had fun. Went to Stoke to see Kids In Glass Houses with Andrea.

September.

Went to Bingley to see The Blackout, with Hayley, Jess & Claire. Met Paige, Coist, Amy & Jeggings. Hayley Jess & Claire shouted 'Bristol' at me until I agreed to go. It didn't take them long. Went to Bristol to see The Blackout. Drank, alot. Got called 'Skanky Hoes' Passed out in the street with Jess, and on the grass with Claire. Don't remember much. Went to Huddersfield with Hayley. Got drunk. Hayley hurt her neck, took her to hospital, went back to the uni, went back to Manchester. Stayed in Manchester at Hayleys for a few days. Got ill, went home earlier than planned. Hung out with Kristina, getting drunk, mainly.

October.

Stayed at home alot. Tumblr. Went to Oxford for Halloween, to see Deaf Havana, The Blackout, Kids In Glass Houses, & You Me at Six, with Hayley & Jess. Got drunk. Met Gemma & Dani, and some others who I can't remember the names of.

November.

Skanky hoes meet up, went to Manchester. Got my nose pierced. Failed another driving test. Went to Huddersfield, to see Aimee. Met Kayla. Went to see Kids In Glass Houses in Leeds.

December.

Went to Crewe for Kristinas birthday. Stayed there for 5 days. Got drunk a lot. Got snowed in. Couldn't go to the Skanky hoes sleepover. Christmas. Young Guns with Hayley & Lucy in Carlisle. New Years. A year since my Granddad died.

I've had my heart broken, I've mourned the loss of a loved one, I got closer to a old friend, met some amazing, lovely, beautiful people, and a couple of horrible, bitchy people, made some new friends, went to lots of gigs, got drunk alot, went abroad, and went to several places I'd never been before.

I know I've missed alot out, but yeah, this years been good. Much better than 2009.. Now to make 2011 better than 2010.

"One of the greatest men never to play for England"

This is the article written about my Granddad after he died, New Years Eve last year.

Ron Slater, one of the greatest rugby union fly-halfs never to play for England, has died, aged 80.

Raised in Kent Street, Barrow, and a pupil at Sacred Heart and St Mary’s Roman Catholic Primary Schools, he found a knack for the game at Barrow Grammar School and went on to become possibly the only players in the history of the game to be capped by four separate counties.

Lancashire – who capped him when he was 19 – the combined Nottinghamshire, Lincolnshire and Derbyshire team, Hampshire and Cheshire, all called on his services during an illustrious career.

During three years of national service from 1951, Ron also represented the Royal Navy and the Combined Services – a team second only to the England side itself in stature after the Second World War.

The talented fly-half captained Furness in 1957/58 – being picked for the North of England – and was an honorary life member since 1961, at a club where he was held in the highest regard, developing a mutual respect and friendship with Barrow RL legend Willie Horne, who would often come and watch him in New Year’s games at the Strawberry Grounds.

George Hartley, 67, who played as a young inside centre alongside Ron as fly-half during the later stages of his career at Furness, described him as a great mentor.

He said: “The great thing about him was that he was such a helpful person on the field.

“My first game, he just told me to stick on his shoulder, which I did and I ended up with two tries, one of them I just had to walk over the line.

“He had such a fantastic brain, some of the things you saw him do, they were quite incredible.

“He really made the game tick from fly-half and he was an amazing character both on and off the field.

“At the end of the day, what I always found with the man, whether you were playing with him, against him, or just talking to him, he taught you how to enjoy rugby and there was nothing negative about the game, he was always looking at the positives.”

Furness president Dave Maguire, who played alongside Ron when he was coming towards the end of his career, and who knew him well from then onwards, said: “He was a genius, even in his mid-30s. He was often compared to Willie Horne in his temperament and skills. He was one of the best ever players we have had at Furness.

“He should have played for England – we know the selectors were watching him – and he did play for the Combined Services against the All Blacks.

“He was very intellectually talented, as well as being very talented in sport.”

Another former Furness club-mate, Bill Benson, who grew up near Ron and was a good friend from when they were children, added his tribute to Ron, saying: “We walked up to school together on our first day and we were close friends ever since.

“He was a huge man in the rugby union world.”

There were several offers for Ron to turn his hand to rugby league, with Barrow, Wigan and Salford among the clubs interested in his services.

But his studies and work in Nottingham, Cheshire and the south of England, which earned him three of his county call-ups, meant such a switch was never possible.

Ron’s playing career came to an end at the age of 36, when a broken collarbone led wife Winifred insisting he gave up the sport.

Son Michael said: “His best rugby was probably when he was down in Portsmouth in the early 1950s. The England selectors were watching him and he had a trial, but unfortunately he wasn’t selected and the only reason why, we understand, is because there was another guy around at the time – a little like with another fly-half not getting in now because Jonny Wilkinson is around.”

“He stopped playing when he broke his collarbone. He had broken just about every bone in his body by that point and I remember him landscaping two big, steep gardens with just one arm and the other in plaster when I was young.”

“Mam said that was enough and he stopped.”

Ron was also a talented jazz pianist and an accomplished teacher, travelling around the country in his job before returning to Furness in 1963 and taking up teaching posts at Barrow Grammar School, where he had captained the football, cricket and rugby union teams while a pupil, and the further education college in Howard Street, teaching to sons of his former schoolmates.

A keen golfer at Ulverston Golf Club, he also took up dry-stone walling following his retirement in 1985 and became a well-known figure across the South Cumbrian rural community.

Ron leaves behind son Michael, MBE, who followed his father into service with the Royal Navy, daughters Diane and Gillian, six grandchildren and two great-grandchildren.

Musician. Rugby Player. Teacher. Writer. Traveller.
Kind. Loving. Clever. Fun. Generous. Eccentric. Passionate. Talented.
Loving father. Doting grandfather.
The one person I’ve always looked up to and aspired to be like.
I miss watching Snow White and The Wizard of Oz with you, watching and listening to you playing the piano, you making me sing along, going to watch you and your band play at Lakeside every summer, you reading to me, the smell of your pipe tobacco, how passionately you talked about things, how you loved the simple things in life, the way you’d describe things as ‘marvellous!’, your infectious laugh, your long hugs, how you always made it clear how much you loved me, how when you’d talk to me I’d feel like I was the most important thing in the world to you.
I wish I’d had more time with you, there are so many conversations we should of had, I hate that alzheimers took away your memories, I hate that I didn’t find out how much we had in common until after you died, we could of had so many great times, I couldn’t believe it when mum told me that Breakfast at Tiffanys was your favourite movie.
I miss you so much it hurts and aches in places I didn’t know I could ache.

“Who said that every wish would be heard
and answered when wished on a morning star?
Someone thought of that and someone believed it.
Look what its done so far.
What’s so amazing that keeps us star gazing,
And what do we think we’ll see?
Someday we’ll find it, the rainbow connection,
The lovers, the dreamers, and me.”

3am nonsense.

I've changed so much in the past 12 months.
I'm a completely different person to who I was this time last year.

I seem to change who I am every six months or so.
Not in a bad way, I don't think. It's just me growing. I think.
But the thing is, at the same time, deep down, I'm still the same terrified 13 year old I was seven years ago, and I'm scared I always will be.
And I worry, that subconsciously, all the time's I've changed over the years, have just been different characters that I've played, that none of them are actually who I am, and because I've been doing it so long I've forgotten who I actually am, because I've played every part so perfectly.
I've done the sad girl, the angry girl, the rebel, the party girl, the focused hard working girl, the aspiring actress, the aspiring photographer, the aspiring writer, the student, the fuck up, the waster, the voluntarily worker, the waitress with big dreams, the emo, the happy girl, the 'I just want to fit in' girl, the 'I want to stand out' girl, the 'fuck it' girl, the loner, the girl who's never alone, the problem child, the sensible kid, the bitch, the nice girl, the shy girl.

Maybe I'm all of these, maybe I'm none of them, the point is I don't know.

For example, 'the aspiring actress' I left school, went to collage and did performing arts, read plays, Shakespeare, Tennessee Williams, Arthur Miller, Chekhov, and book like 'Respect for Acting' and 'An actor prepares'. Watched films with Marlon Brando, Vivien Leigh, James Dean. I moved to London, went to drama school. But I gave up, and even though that is so painful for me, I can't help but think, if I had truly wanted to do it, it had truly been what I wanted to do, would I have really given up?
I do regret it, I do miss it. And I gave up because I basically had a complete mental breakdown, but if I loved it as much as I think I do, wouldn't I be trying again by now, two years on? I've thought about it, but never actually done anything about it. Maybe it's because I'm scared I'll fail again or maybe it's because I don't actually want it as much as I tell myself I do.

I really just don't know. I question everything because I can't find somewhere where I just fit, somewhere where it feels like all the pieces just fall into place.
When I'm with people, sometimes I'll just sit and listen and look around at everyone and think 'I don't fit in with you guys' its like, yeah we have some of the same interests, but I don't feel like I belong, that doesn't mean I don't love or care about the people I hang out with, because I do..

I don't know. I'm just rambling, I'm making no sense, it's 3am, and I'm overthinking again.

I think that I'm just terrified because I'm so unsure of everything in my life right now.

Or maybe I'm just playing another part, the confused girl, the girl who doesn't know where her life is going, the girl who is desperately trying to figure things out, because she doesn't want the same things to keep haunting her.

I met someone the other day, someone I hadn't seen for a while, and I tend to bump into him every few months or so, and almost every time I see him, he always comments on how different I seem, like something about me has changed, no matter large or small it is, it's noticeable, but he can never put his finger on what it is.

Is this a good thing? Or am I just putting on new masks to hide behind? I don't even know.

I need a job.

Quite desperately.

Kristinas asked me if I want to go shopping with her on Friday. I can't I have no money.
I'm meant to be going to Claires for a sleepover on Saturday. I don't know if I'll be able to afford the train fare.
The Blackout tickets go on sale on Friday. I have no money to buy any with.

I owe my mum £60
I owe Topshop £77

I owe £90 to the bank account with my Granddads will money in.
I need money for December 29th, for Young Guns.
And I need money for New Years Eve.

I need a job.

Kristinas Birthday Weekend.

Friday, December 3rd.

Travel down to Crewe, with a suitcase full of alcohol, clothes, and cupcakes. Met Kristina at the station. Had a girly night in. Making fajitas. Catching up. Watching TV. Going to sleep about 3am-ish

Saturday, December 4th.

Kristinas birthday. Woke up about 12-sih. Only had 30 minutes to get up, get ready and get to the theatre. Made it, just. Felt like a kid again doing all the typical pantomime things. "He's behind you!" Ate alot of sweets. Got coffee. Went to New Look. Got a new dress. Went back to Kristinas. Ordered Dominos Pizza. Booked taxi to Hanley. Shower. Pizza. Vodka. Got ready. Wine. Taxi. Walkabout. Cocktails. Vodka Revolutions. Vodka shots. Liquid. Vodka & Red Bull. Walked past The Sugarmill on the way to Liquid. Started drunkenly rambling about seeing Kids In Glass Houses there in August. Had our pictures taken. Kristina got a keyring. Got hit on, by guy with really bad breath. Had more to drink. Danced. Tried on some guy's glasses. More drinks. More dancing. Left about 3am. Got chips. Got terrified of slipping and falling on the ice on the way to getting the taxi. Got taxi. Anisa shouted abuse at guy shouting at us from across the street at a stripclub. Got home. Slept.
Sunday, December 5th.

Woke up about 3pm. Had worlds worst hangover. Made breakfast. Watched TV. Did washing. Bought chocolate. Was forced to watch X-Factor, ugh. Ate some more. Early night.

Monday, December 6th.
Woke up about 10am. Had shower. Got dressed. Had breakfast. Walked to train station, nearly broke my ankle. Got train to Liverpool. Went shopping. Realised I only had £20 to last me the rest of the month, bought nothing. Went to Wetherspoons, had a Christmas dinner. Got train back to Crewe. Got very competitive playing a game on Kristinas phone. Got angry when I lost. Kristina laughed. Got taxi back to Kristinas. Slowly got ready. Raspberry vodka. Blossom Hill Rose. Walked to get the bus to Liquid. Clinged to Sophia so I didn't fall. Took a sneaky bottle of Raspberry vodka with us. Hour long journey to Liquid. Drank raspberry vodka straight. Tastes like cough medicine. Got to Liquid. Went to Walkabout. Went back to Liquid. Had to bluff my way in, because it was a student night for MMU and I'm not a student. Got in. Got drinks. Danced. Got more drinks. Went upstairs. Kristina met hot greek guy. Got more drinks. Danced some more. Kristina pulled greek guy & decided she wanted to go home with him. Miss Dynamite came on. Had to look after Kristina. Left about 3am. Got chips. Drunkenly rambled to Sophia about bands. Got bus back. Kristina still set on going home with greek guy. Got back to Crewe. Kristina got changed and went to greek guys. After calling the guy she's seeing, asking him to pick her up and take her to his or she'll sleep with greek guy. Couldn't talk her out of it. She went to greek guys. I got her bed instead of the air bed.
Tuesday, December 7th.

Woke up about 11am, with a cold and a horrendous hangover. Threw up a couple of times. Kristina came back. Said she regretted it. Said she'd been throwing up all night, still managed to sleep with him though. Went back to sleep for abit. Woke up about 12.30. Got a shower. Packed. Got a taxi at 1.45. Got train at 2.09. Was delayed. Put Ipod on and ignored the world. Got train at 2.20. Got to Preston. Train delayed by about a hour. Made it to Lancaster. Had to wait for a hour for the next train. Thought I was getting frostbite at one point. Only had £1. Spent about 10 minutes deciding what chocolate bar to get from the vending machine. Got train. Got to Barrow. Waited for train for 20 minutes. Train delayed 30 minutes. Never shivered so violently in my entire life. Train finally arrived. Train was just as cold, if not colder as it was on the station. Got home about 6.30. Mum made me some stew. Made tea. Got into bed with 3 layers on and 2 hot water bottles. Still cold. Caught up on Eastenders & Corrie. Fell asleep.