3am nonsense.

I've changed so much in the past 12 months.
I'm a completely different person to who I was this time last year.

I seem to change who I am every six months or so.
Not in a bad way, I don't think. It's just me growing. I think.
But the thing is, at the same time, deep down, I'm still the same terrified 13 year old I was seven years ago, and I'm scared I always will be.
And I worry, that subconsciously, all the time's I've changed over the years, have just been different characters that I've played, that none of them are actually who I am, and because I've been doing it so long I've forgotten who I actually am, because I've played every part so perfectly.
I've done the sad girl, the angry girl, the rebel, the party girl, the focused hard working girl, the aspiring actress, the aspiring photographer, the aspiring writer, the student, the fuck up, the waster, the voluntarily worker, the waitress with big dreams, the emo, the happy girl, the 'I just want to fit in' girl, the 'I want to stand out' girl, the 'fuck it' girl, the loner, the girl who's never alone, the problem child, the sensible kid, the bitch, the nice girl, the shy girl.

Maybe I'm all of these, maybe I'm none of them, the point is I don't know.

For example, 'the aspiring actress' I left school, went to collage and did performing arts, read plays, Shakespeare, Tennessee Williams, Arthur Miller, Chekhov, and book like 'Respect for Acting' and 'An actor prepares'. Watched films with Marlon Brando, Vivien Leigh, James Dean. I moved to London, went to drama school. But I gave up, and even though that is so painful for me, I can't help but think, if I had truly wanted to do it, it had truly been what I wanted to do, would I have really given up?
I do regret it, I do miss it. And I gave up because I basically had a complete mental breakdown, but if I loved it as much as I think I do, wouldn't I be trying again by now, two years on? I've thought about it, but never actually done anything about it. Maybe it's because I'm scared I'll fail again or maybe it's because I don't actually want it as much as I tell myself I do.

I really just don't know. I question everything because I can't find somewhere where I just fit, somewhere where it feels like all the pieces just fall into place.
When I'm with people, sometimes I'll just sit and listen and look around at everyone and think 'I don't fit in with you guys' its like, yeah we have some of the same interests, but I don't feel like I belong, that doesn't mean I don't love or care about the people I hang out with, because I do..

I don't know. I'm just rambling, I'm making no sense, it's 3am, and I'm overthinking again.

I think that I'm just terrified because I'm so unsure of everything in my life right now.

Or maybe I'm just playing another part, the confused girl, the girl who doesn't know where her life is going, the girl who is desperately trying to figure things out, because she doesn't want the same things to keep haunting her.

I met someone the other day, someone I hadn't seen for a while, and I tend to bump into him every few months or so, and almost every time I see him, he always comments on how different I seem, like something about me has changed, no matter large or small it is, it's noticeable, but he can never put his finger on what it is.

Is this a good thing? Or am I just putting on new masks to hide behind? I don't even know.